EIGHT QUESTIONS A NARCISSIST SIMPLY CANNOT ANSWER
By: Khalif Barkhadle
Digital Journalist
Published On: 16th September 2024
As you invest in your primary relationships, there are certain basics you want to maintain so that the relationship can have the deepest level of reward for you. It can be something that brings out the very best in you and encourages those around you to be their best as well. Among these healthy characteristics are qualities like openness, mutual curiosity about one another, and a sense of accountability.
Openness, Mutual Curiosity, Accountability
You want to foster a sense of teamwork that says, “I want to share with you who I am, and I want to know who you are so we can combine our resources, encourage each other, and stimulate each other as time goes on.” That’s how healthy relationships work.
Now, let’s introduce a narcissist into the mix. This is when things start to get complicated. Narcissists don’t want to have that sense of teamwork. They want you to be on their team, but what that means to them is that they want you to be subordinate to them.
Narcissists carefully construct their own narrative where they are the hero, the winner, the one who knows best. As a result, you won’t get honesty from them. They don’t want to be seen as part of the group; they need to be perceived as being a little above everyone else. Self-revelation is not something they are comfortable with—they are very calculated, always aiming for an angle.
Because of this, there are certain things you will never access inside that person. I’ve come up with eight questions that a narcissist simply cannot answer, because doing so would require a level of honesty that doesn’t exist within them. Let’s go through these eight questions, and as we do, think about how they apply to the narcissists you may know.
1. What are some of your deepest hurts?
If you ask a narcissist this question, they’ll likely look at you as if you asked a stupid question. They don’t acknowledge hurts. While they might occasionally point out how others have wronged them, they quickly dismiss it, saying, “That doesn’t bother me; it’s their problem.” They never admit to struggling or experiencing strain; instead, they blame others.
However, when you observe their rude, caustic, or mean behavior, it’s clear they’ve been hurt in the past, even if they won’t admit it. Narcissists believe that showing strength means never admitting weaknesses, which is something completely lost on them. In healthy relationships, we understand that admitting weaknesses is a strength.
2. Why is it so difficult for you to admit flaws and mistakes?
Everyone makes mistakes, but narcissists have a hard time admitting to theirs. When a narcissist makes an error, rather than acknowledging it, they often blame others. Narcissists have such thick walls of defensiveness that admitting flaws feels highly threatening to them. It would mean admitting that they’re just like everyone else, and that’s something they cannot tolerate.
3. Why do you feel the need to impress strangers?
When narcissists meet people who don’t know them well, they see it as a blank slate—a chance to craft a perfect image. They might embellish stories or portray themselves in an overly flattering light to fish for admiration. True affirmation and love come from knowing someone fully, both their positives and negatives. Narcissists miss this important truth because they only care about the superficial admiration of strangers.
4. Why do my differences threaten you so much?
Narcissists don’t have empathy, so they can’t understand that other people have different perspectives, emotions, or preferences. When you differ from them, they feel threatened. They don’t want to see life from another person’s point of view because they have no curiosity about others. Their lack of empathy reflects their need to be the center of attention at all times.
5. Do you honestly believe your opinions cancel out the validity of others’ opinions?
Narcissists believe that their opinions are the only ones that matter. Whether the topic is politics, religion, or something as simple as vacation plans, they assume their view is the correct one and disregard anyone else’s. They have such a high and lofty notion of how life is supposed to be that they believe any differing opinion is irrelevant.
6. In what ways do you need to grow and change?
When asked how they need to grow and change, a narcissist might mention material goals like wanting a nicer house or making more money. But personal growth? They don’t think they need it. Narcissists craft a tightly controlled image of themselves, and admitting they need to grow implies they aren’t complete. The hidden shame they live with prevents them from accepting this.
7. If I make you feel so frustrated, why do you keep coming back?
Sometimes narcissists will tell you to leave, but often they keep coming back even after expressing frustration. They thrive on conflict because it makes them feel superior. Every time they engage in criticism or tension, it reinforces their sense of power. For them, conflict allows them to feel better than those around them.
8. Why do you go silent?
Narcissists often resort to the silent treatment, withdrawing and withholding information. This is their way of expressing passive-aggressive anger without making themselves vulnerable. It’s all part of their fear of being exposed or vulnerable.
Narcissists can’t access the deeper parts of themselves, which is why they can’t answer these questions. In contrast, I hope you strive for relationships built on realness, openness, and authenticity.
Embrace the Following Thoughts:
1. I like being personable, and I like being accountable.
2. I never want to stop learning and growing.
3. Freedom comes from not hiding behind pretenses.
4. Love me, love my dog. (This is one of Gus’s favorites. When you love me, you get all that comes with me.)
5. Mistakes and failures are part of the growth process. I embrace that.
6. Loving each other means loving the whole person—the good and the bad.
7. We are each acombination of strengths and weaknesses, and healthy relationships acknowledge both.
In relationships, there’s a difference between knowing facts about someone and knowing them on a heart level. I hope you aim for that deeper, heart-level connection. Narcissists won’t be able to engage in this type of relationship, so be mindful not to waste your emotional energy on someone who isn’t capable of reciprocating that realness.
That’s all for this content. I hope you liked it. I enjoy writing it for you. This is Barkhadle, your content writer. Remember, you’re never alone.
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