HOW A NARCISSIST REACTS WHEN YOU’VE BECOME TOO STRONG.
By: Khalif Barkhadle
Digital Journalist
Published On: 9th August 2024
If you’ve ever found yourself entangled in a narcissistic relationship, you know how challenging it can be to break free from their manipulation. But what happens when you start to grow stronger and more self-aware? In this article, we’ll explore the narcissist’s surprising reactions when they realize they’re losing their grip on you.
Whether you’re just starting to recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse or you’re well on your way to healing, this article will provide you with valuable insights and support. So, if you’re ready to take the next step in reclaiming your power, join us as we navigate the complex world of narcissistic relationships together.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is kind of like being locked in a high-stakes poker game. You never know when they’ll bluff, raise the stakes, or reveal their true hand. So you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, never really knowing exactly when they’ll lash out or make you feel small. Just knowing that they will. But as you start to see through their manipulation and play to your strengths, the narcissist will eventually realize that you’ve gotten too strong for their games. So, what’s their next move?
1. They’ll downplay your strengths and their own weaknesses.
When the narcissist sees that you’re growing stronger and more independent, they’ll attempt to undermine your confidence by downplaying your strengths. They might say things like, “You think you’re so clever, but you’re not as smart as you think you are.” Or, “You may be good at your job, but you’ll never know what it’s like to play at my level.” So why do narcissists do this so consistently? Well, it’s super convenient for them when you doubt yourself and your own abilities, because if you were to recognize your own strength, you would no longer be vulnerable to their manipulation. And by diminishing your strengths, they hope to maintain their power and control over you, because that is what’s most important to them in the end.
And so all the while, while all this is going on, they’re also downplaying their weaknesses and their abuse. So if you point out their flaws or hurtful behavior, they might say something like, “You know, nobody’s perfect,” or “You have just as many issues as I do. Don’t act like you’re better than me.” They’ll never acknowledge their weaknesses or admit to their mistakes because that would mean giving up some of their power and control. But remember, you’ve gotten too strong for their games. Keep playing your cards right and remember that you have more power than you know.
2. They’ll make you feel unworthy.
As you start growing stronger and more independent, they might say things like, “You’re lucky to have me because no one else would put up with you,” or “You’re so needy and clingy. It’s pathetic.” The narcissist wants you to believe that you’re not good enough for anyone else, so they want you to believe that there’s something inherently wrong with you and that you should be grateful that they’re even giving you the time of day. And so here’s why they do this: because if you were to start recognizing your own worth, you might actually realize that you deserve a whole hell or a lot better than their abusive behavior.
And so what happens when the narcissist can’t quite get you to buy into that false narrative that you are unworthy? Well, they’re going to try and convince others that you’re just not a good person. So they might gossip about you behind your back, telling mutual friends or family members that you’re crazy, unstable, or just plain difficult. By making others question your character, they hope to isolate you from your support system and make you more dependent on them. But here’s the thing: you actually are holding the winning hand. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it, so keep playing your cards right and trust that you have the strength to come out on top. Faith in yourself in these difficult times is so important, so do what you can to try and keep that up.
3. They’ll switch up their tactics.
Remember when you first met the narcissist? Yeah, I’m talking about all that love-bombing stuff. They couldn’t get enough of how confident, successful, and independent you were until they realized that they couldn’t control you. Suddenly, your strength becomes a problem for them because you’re not falling for their manipulation anymore. So they switch up their tactics. The narcissist might start becoming more hostile, picking fights over the smallest things, or giving you the silent treatment for days on end. What they’re trying to do is throw you off balance, to make you question yourself and your actions. Or they might go the opposite route and become aloof, acting like they couldn’t care less about you or your life. They’ll stop showing interest in your hobbies, your friends, your dreams, just you in general. And they’re hoping that by withdrawing their affection, you’ll start chasing after them again.
See, this is where the confusion about no contact comes into play because there are tons of articles and videos from relationship coaches who actually advise going no contact to get the other person to come chase you. And basically, that’s what the narcissist is trying to do when they start withdrawing from you. They want you to chase them harder. But the truth is, none of this has anything to do with you personally. The narcissist is kind of like a chameleon, and they change their colors to blend in with whatever suits them in the moment.
But here, if you’re in this place where you’ve gotten stronger, and the narcissist is just starting to see it, the cards are in your hands. If you’re reading this article, you have already seen through their tricks and their bluffs. So keep playing that hand with confidence, knowing that you have the power to control how you react to the narcissist’s behavior. You cannot control their behavior, but you can control how you react to it. So choose to prioritize your own well-being and refuse to engage with their nonsense
4. They’ll make you doubt your strength.
It’s like they have a sixth sense for your insecurities, and they’ll zero in on them with laser precision. So they might say things like, “Are you sure you can handle that job?” or “You think you’re so tough, but I know deep down you’re just scared and weak.” The narcissist wants to make you feel guilty, ashamed, fearful, inadequate, or insecure, or maybe all of the above. Because they know if they can get you to doubt yourself, you’ll be much easier to control. And the worst part is, they’re really good at it. You might start wondering if you’re really as strong as you thought, if you can really trust your own perceptions, and if you can trust yourself at all.
But if you’re in this place and you’re feeling all of this right now and you’re having all these doubts right now, please know that this is just another one of the narcissist’s manipulations. They’re not pointing out your weaknesses because they want you to grow. They’re doing it to keep you under their thumb. So whenever you feel those doubts creeping in, remember, your strength is what scares them. It’s what threatens their control. And every time you stand up for yourself, every time you hold on to your truth in the face of their lies, you’re proving just how powerful you really are.
5. They will double down on control
At the end of the day, everything the narcissist does is about one thing: control. They need to feel like they’re in charge, like they have complete power over you. So when they see you becoming stronger, more independent, and more sure of yourself, that’s when the narcissist will go into overdrive, doing whatever it takes to gain that control. They might increase their manipulation, alternating between expressing love one minute and tearing you down the next. They might become more aggressive, yelling at you or even resorting to physical intimidation. Alternatively, they might choose to withhold affection, giving you the cold shoulder until you’re practically begging for their attention. It’s all about keeping you off balance, making you strive for their approval and validation.
The thing is, it’s easy to fall back into old patterns when the narcissist starts using these tactics. You might find yourself slipping into a people-pleasing mode, doing whatever it takes to keep the peace and avoid their anger. But remember, every time you give in to the narcissist’s attempts to regain control, you’re surrendering a little piece of your power. So when you feel the power struggle starting again, take a deep breath and remember how far you’ve come. Each time you stand your ground, you’re sending a strong message that you are no longer a pawn in their game, and you never will be again.
For those of you who don’t feel safe or comfortable confronting the narcissist in your life, standing strong within yourself is powerful too. You’re still sending the message that you’re not a pawn in the narcissist’s game anymore, but you’re doing it internally, and that’s important as well.
6. They’ll try to isolate you from your support system.
So here you are, gaining strength and confidence, and the narcissist is starting to feel the heat. They know that a big part of your power comes from the people who have your back—your support system. So what does the narcissist do? They start trying to cut you off from them. They might tell you that your best friend is a bad influence or say that your family doesn’t truly understand you like they do, right? According to the narcissist, they are the only one who understands you. They might even try to create conflicts between you and the people you care about. They twist your words, make up stories, or even outright lie to drive a wedge between you and your loved ones. Why do they do this?
Because they know that the more isolated you are, the more dependent you’ll become on them. It’s a terrible thing to do to somebody, but unfortunately, it can be very effective. When you’re cut off from your support system, it’s easy to start doubting yourself and feel like the narcissist is the only one who truly understands you. However, your support system is one of your greatest strengths. Please remember that.
When you sense someone trying to pull you away from your loved ones, it’s a good time to lean in closer. Reach out to your friends and family, even if it’s been a while or feels challenging. If you feel safe to do so, share what’s happening and ask for their support and understanding. It means a lot. Most importantly, trust your instincts. If the narcissist is telling you that everyone in your life is wrong or out to get you, that’s a major warning sign. Your people are your people for a reason. Don’t let anyone take that away from you
7. They will rewrite history.
There’s a little overlap here with this one, and one that we covered before, that had a lot to do with gaslighting. But this one, we’re going to talk about in a slightly different context. Gaslighting is an all-out attack on your perception of reality and truth, and rewriting history plays a major role in it. However, I know there are many of you out there who have dealt with a narcissist who is rewriting history. You know that they are fully aware of what they’re doing, and you hold onto the truth without letting go. So, even though they may try to gaslight you, their attempts are completely ineffective.
The problem arises when they start rewriting history to anyone who will listen. They may take a tiny nugget of truth, blow it out of proportion, and fabricate most of the story around it. They might acknowledge that a certain event occurred, but they will deny the series of events that actually took place. The issue here is that if people know a part of the story is true, they are more likely to believe the rest of the fabricated story. This often happens when narcissists feel like they’re losing control over you and the narrative. They take the real situation, keep the neutral parts intact, add negative elements about you, and subtract anything that portrays them negatively. In the end, the story becomes completely different from what actually happened, but it contains those tiny grains of truth.
What’s truly astonishing is that they tell this fabricated version of events with such conviction that you can sense they are starting to believe it themselves. Even if you know there’s no way they could genuinely believe it, you can see that they are deluding themselves. It’s a bit unsettling because when they go out and share this story with others, you can imagine how persuasive they will be. Unfortunately, this overlaps with the smear campaign. The best thing you can do is maintain your integrity and hold onto your truth. We can hope that the people who truly matter to you will support you and that the truth will eventually come to light.
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