THREE PEOPLE NARCISSISTS CANNOT TOLERATE.
By:Khalif Barkhadle,
Digital Journalist.
Published On: 16th September 2024
What is narcissism?
When we talk about the pattern of narcissism, we have what the textbooks will tell us, and narcissism is defined by a lot of selfishness and entitlement. They have a low level of empathy toward you; they want to be in control; they feel superior; they operate with the false self intact. Those are some of the things that you’re going to see that are part of the actual defining features of narcissism.
But then, as we go a little bit further, there are quite a few other adjectives that we could use that would also be off-label in the way that we describe these individuals. These would include words like stubbornness, closed-minded, argumentative, or impatient. But I suppose if there was one off-label descriptor of narcissism, it would be the description of intolerance.
Narcissists are very unwilling to accept individuals who have beliefs preferences or interpretations of life that simply don’t agree with them. So when I say intolerance, what I’m saying is there’s a strong black-and-white, you must agree with me kind of a mindset that they bring. And then, taking it a little bit further, there are actually three different people that narcissists can be most intolerant toward, and I want you to think about where you are as part of this.
1. The person who represents diversity.
The first person that they can not tolerate is the person who lives in diversity from the narcissist. You see what this reveals is that when you come along and you show yourself to be different, narcissists carry on the inside of them an inability or an unwillingness to empathize. Rather than approaching you with your diverse beliefs and opinions and preferences, etc., rather than approaching you thinking, “I could probably learn something here,” or “There’s something going on in your life that’s not consistent with mine, what’s that all about,” in their mind, they’re thinking, “Why would I want to understand you? If you’re not in my club, if you don’t think or act or believe or behave as I do, then I have no use for you.”
It illustrates that narcissists are strongly transactional in the way that they engage. They don’t really need to know you as a human being; they want to know you as far as your utility goes, somebody who can prop up their biases, etc. Your diversity reveals, “I don’t have any need to show empathy.” In addition, when they illustrate that they cannot tolerate an individual who’s too diverse from them, it also illustrates that they’re unable to accept somebody who requires them to get outside of their comfort zone. It’s like, “No, that requires too much work. If you think differently, if you prioritize differently, that means that I’m going to have to think carefully about who you are,” and narcissists operate with what I refer to as psychological laziness. It’s like, “Don’t make me go into that kind of space; I don’t do that.”
In addition, narcissists view diversity as rejection. It also reveals that in their mind, they think of another individual’s diversity as rejection. Somehow, when someone comes along and, through their lifestyle or their preferences, illustrates, “Well, I’m not always on the same page as you,” it’s like, “You’re down on my case, aren’t you?” and narcissists are extremely egocentric to the point of being childish. In their mind, they just interpret it as, “Oh, so you’re against me, aren’t you?” And it’s like, “No, I didn’t say anything like that.” “Oh, yes, you did.” That’s how they interpret it. In their intolerance toward diverse individuals, these individuals show that conformity is central to being able to have a relationship with them. Conformity, by the way, is one way; you’re supposed to conform to them; they don’t conform to you.
Conformity is central to who they are. And then, as they maintain this mindset that says, “I don’t do diversity,” it sets that narcissist up to be highly critical. Have you ever been on the receiving end of that? And, of course, the answer is, “Oh, yeah.” They can be very bossy; they can be imperative in the way that they talk with you, and when I say imperative, they appeal to the regulatory mindset. “You better; you’re supposed to; you must; you have to.” They can be highly judgmental and shaming in the way that they engage, and when I say that, I mean a lot, and they can ridicule you. That’s what their intolerance of your diversity can do. They don’t like that person who’s too diverse.
2. The person who speaks the truth.
The second person that the narcissist is intolerant toward is the person who speaks the truth, and when I say this, I mean they’re highly threatened by that. When you come along and say, “What you’re doing is inappropriate; I have some ideas, I have some notions of a very different nature from what you refer to as absolute correctness,” the narcissist reveals when they cannot tolerate that they’re highly invested not just in being right, but in being the standard-bearer. When you come along and say, “Well, your standard, A, is not very healthy, and B, it’s not the standard that I maintain,” then they can’t manage that. It’s like, “Well, I have to have everything true right according to me, and it’s all about me.”
That also reveals to us that narcissists reject the possibility that there can be equally and distinct responses to life events. For example, if the narcissist has one interpretation or a feeling or a reaction, and you come along and say, “Well, I feel very differently about that,” or “My interpretation is quite different,” it’s like there can’t possibly be any truth other than what I say is the truth when, in fact, there are a lot of things that aren’t necessarily that dogmatic. They can’t deal with that. I mean, how many personal experiences do we each have and share with each other? We have differences in cultural distinctions and influences, or just different lifestyle experiences, etc. The narcissist is like, “Well, if you bring that to the equation, I don’t know what to do with that.”
In addition, narcissists are close-minded. When they can’t tolerate somebody who speaks truth to them, it illustrates, “I’m close-minded, and I don’t mind letting you know you’re wrong.” They go into a very high defence mode and make no mistake, when they become highly defensive, what they’re saying is, “I’m threatened; I feel afraid of you. Your distinctive, your truth that you try to put onto me, scares me.” They will not say that correctness, in their mind, supersedes any kind of goodness, and in their mind, it’s like, “Well, you need to remember I’m superior.” That’s why you can’t tell your truth to me because I own the superior truth. Of course, this then sets them up to be constant invalidators, and you have to be put in your place when you are wrong. They will argue until they just finally wear you down. They have zero growth in their personal life.
3. The person immersed in love.
The third person that they can’t tolerate, and that’s the person who’s immersed in love. When narcissists show their intolerance, they illustrate, “I don’t know how to love; I’m not interested in that.” Many of them sometimes very sanctimoniously will say, “Oh, I’m a very loving person,” but no, if that love requires that you cannot be diverse, if that love requires that you can speak only in agreement with them and can’t talk any separate kind of ideas, that’s not love at all. Love requires laying down your ego and narcissists. It’s all about me; they’re the ultimate egotist. Love supersedes correctness, and that’s something that the narcissist can not do. Love allows for freedom; love is patient; love emphasizes kindness. Love requires us to examine our own personal frailties even as we show acceptance toward the frailties of other individuals. And, of course, the narcissist is thinking, “I am not about to show you what my frailties are; as far as you’re concerned, I don’t have any.”
Love requires internal calm, which they do not have; they carry a lot of chaos on the inside. Love refuses to belittle; we can disagree, but we don’t have to belittle. And then love is a healthy extension of your own self-esteem, and narcissists don’t have that intact because self-esteem is not built at someone else’s expense. So, we can say that narcissists will show intolerance toward that person who’s diverse and toward that person who wants to speak truth and the person who’s immersed in love.
I’m hoping that, being the case, you can decide, “Well, I need to move on with individuals who are far more tolerant, and I want to be a tolerant person.” And in doing so, I hope it causes you to be a person of healthy influence and ultimately someone who lives in and gives away your sense of peace.
I hope this gives you some good insight about what you might be dealing with if you’re one of those two people, sometimes I’m diverse, sometimes I want to speak truth, and the narcissist says, “Well, you’re not in my club.” Well, maybe that’s a club I don’t need to be in.
That’s all for this content. I hope you liked it. I enjoy writing it for you. This is Barkhadle, your content writer. Remember, you’re never alone.
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